The Laughing Gnome

One of the above is a comedian.The other is Ricky Gervais.Little Richard has ruffled a few feathers in Hollywood of late I hear.News must be slow because he is still getting airtime for it.Apparently he had the audacity to put down a few minor celebrities whilst in their company.From what I can gather, Ricky has only ever done two things.Firstly, write a series that reminds people, who really don't want reminding, just how shit and soul destroying office life really is.Particularly, when your boss is the biggest gobshite you have ever come across.Believe me I've met a few.And the thing is; the current one is always worse than the gobshite before.My last one was worse than the previous three put together! Why,once you've left 'the office' would you get pleasure out of watching yourself being drained of your soul all over again? Secondly, he wrote something that put extra-ordinary actors like Robert De Niro and Patrick Stewart(the latter just happens to be a friend of a friend) in ordinary situations.And just because of who they were,this made it profound and a work of genius.Then again so was 'The Emperors New Clothes' when I 'read' it as a 9 year old.If Ricky wants to be a comedian he could do a lot worse than take a few lessons off 'The Dame'.Watch any 'Audience with Dame Edna' show or in fact any of her shows to see the art of the gentle put down at its finest.'She's' that good that the victim is never 'not amused'.My favourite clip,in fact one of my fave all time clips is when she 'interviewed' the great Douglas Fairbanks Jnr.Now there's a real celebrity.Most would have expected some comment about the alleged madness of his wife Joan Crawford.Not The Dame.She simply asked with all due sincerety whether....'Joan had pet name for her front botty?'.All Douglas Fairbanks could do was smile while squirming profusely.That the way to do it Ricky....with a touch of class.

The Last Waltz

What you may wonder have the two handsome chaps above got in common.Well not much as you would imagine.However,the death of Pete Postlethwaite brought to mind one of my favourite show-biz anecdotes.It happened in an airport executive lounge while the celebs where being kept waiting for a Concorde flight.Both,were amongst the irate customers.Presently,a rather apologetic young hostess advised that the celebs would be called by name when their seat was available.Pete decided that this was the time for a bit of fun,realising the young girl didn't really have a clue who anybody was.When Engleberts name was called Pete immediately stood up,claiming he was Englebert.Englebert was not happy and protested, at which point Pete friends joined in 'Spartacus' style.Sadly, Pete has sadly had his last waltz.No doubt everybody will have their favourite character of his.Mine was always his portrayal of 'Obidiah' in 'Sharpe'.

The Snowman

Somethings never change.Regardless of the weather and how sub-zero it gets, the dog still has to be taken for a walk.So whilst walking the dog I took in the air.Very crisp and even,while the snow I walked upon was very deep and dry.In fact it was perfect for making snowmen.Except that as far as the eye could see;there was not a snowman in sight.Yet,the local park is surrounded by young kids who have been off school for a week.What's the problem.Is it too much like hard work to build a snowman? Or is it that a snowman cannot, as yet be downloaded? Kids today want everything NOW.And if it takes longer than NOW they don't appear to be interested.When I was a kid my idea of technology would have been a big stick, long enough to reach from the couch, to the push buttons on the Rediffusion TV.As much as I love the instant gratification the internet can deliver,I am so glad I got to grow up in Christmas past.Sadly,kids today will never know the difference between snow-men and snow-women.First one to answer correctly wins a carrot.Texts charged at two bob each!

The King and I

On 5th July 1981 Lord Roby and friends happened upon a riot in Toxteth,Liverpool.We knew it was a riot because there were cars reversing into off- licences and tobacconists and filling up with booze and fags without so much as a 'by your leave'.Also, there was a general air of chaos and mayhem that one does not come across in normal everyday life.There was nothing else to do but get out the car and join in! Cue police stand-offs, missile launching,tractor driving rioters attacking police lines with the sharp end of the bucket.Oh and bank burning.The sight of a Nat West bank going up in flames along with all the cash will live long in the memory.I turned up in work the next day with black smoke rings under my eyes and smelling like a well charred jacket spud on Bonfire night.

Last night Prince Charles and friends happened upon a riot.He knew it was a riot because people were trying to attack him and shouting 'off with their heads' in a rather menacing fashion.

What did our 'future' King do? He kept waving that pathetic tiresome royal wave.For all his intellect and upbringing he had obviously not been concentrating during his 'What to do if you happen upon a riot' training in downtown Balmoral.It would have been nice see him get out and start shouting 'All Coppers Are Bastards' but I suppose that's just wishful thinking; and it did occur to me that Prince William may have told him to turn right at Piccadilly instead of left.What a wag!

The thing is, I never thought for one minute I would ever have anything in common with our future King.

One thing however is certain,the picture above will spawn a thousand captions.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go

As I was walking down the Frog and Toad the other day I nearly stood on a Richard the Third.Being a responsible chappie I wondered what to do about the Richard the Third to prevent anybody else making a mess of themselves.I decided to try and pick up the Richard the Third.This proved more difficult than I imagined because it wouldn't keep still. When I finally managed to pick it up;with two hands,as it was rather large;I noticed a ring on it's left leg.It was a rather fine specimen of the genus Racing Pigeon( Fugitus Mickus).As it was totally exhausted I decided to take it home and try to contact the Nearly Dead Pigeon's Society.This was no trouble to someone like myself, who as a ragamuffin child spent plenty of time in pigeon lofts.Usually other peoples in the dead of night!! I rang the hotline and gave in the number on the ring,only to be told that the owner was no longer racing pigeons so the computer said I couldn't have his contact details.I was now the unwitting owner of orphan GB 98 J 29924.Apparently the 98 is the date of birth,which at 12 years old makes it rather an old bird,which presumably makes it a successful bird,since pigeons fanciers take no prisoners when it comes to tardy Micks.However,the bird, now known affectionately as Long John Silver Blue because it's always standing on one leg,steadfastly refuses to leave the comfort of my shed.I leave the door open but no luck.I even left it's food bowl by the open door.When I came back there was no sign of LJSB.But only because it had bedded down in some straw on the floor! Maybe it has only flown when racing, but then I'm not about to take it to Whitchurch to find out it's back in the shed before I'm back over Runcorn Bridge.It seems perfectly happy with it's lot,and I've got no problem buying a bag of cracked corn every now and then.So I guess it's here to stay until such times as it decides to go.

Stan

One of the pleasures of having a blog is checking out where your viewers are viewing from,even if the are not suitably inspired to leave a comment.The most melodic place I've been visited from has to be Florianopolis in Brazil and viewers from The Bronx are always a buzz.But the latest one,I just had to check out! A visitor from the mighty Bashkortostan.Where the flock is that I hear you say? And what is about my blog that interested them? The capital of Bashkortostan is Ufa ( pronounced Ufa in Sirilic).And todays homework is......What colours are the national flag of The Republic of Bashkortostan?.....And for a bonus point.....How long before they are latest addition to the EU?

Wake Up And Smell the Offy

Last night the Roby's attended a wedding reception at the presigious Grosvenor Hotel in Chester.The night started with a bang.A charrabang to be precise.We left the equally impressive venue of St Georges Hall in Liverpool with the prophetic words of our cheeky chappie driver ringing in our ears.' I'll stop off at an 'Offy'(off licence) on the way.The bar prices are 5 star to say the least'.He duly obliged and pockets were stuffed with 250ml bottles of Stowells finest and cheap Vodka.The Grosvenor was almost everything I expected.Great venue,great food, good quality drinks and excellent service.Apart from the bar staff that is.What I didn't expect was thieving bar stewards.You see the young Duchess of Roby prefers Rose wine, which was in short supply at the offy. At £5.25, a 175 ml glass it was rather pricey, but what the Duchess wants,the Duchess gets.After a couple if glasses I commented that she was quaffing quicker than usual.After showing me the glass she had just bought I knew why.One thing Lord Roby does know is; how many glasses make a bottle of wine!!I offered to buy the next.I was served up about a 100ml of wine.Immediately I advised the thief that the measure was way short.To which he replied...'You want a real glass of wine?'....Q.E.D.

As an addendum, the happy couple Keiron Mc Ging and his beautiful Asian wife,Ming Sing were oblivious to all this.Well for £20,000 you want everything to be perfect don't you? I don't know yet whether Ming Sing will be taking he husbands name or not.Well would you?