Jeux Sans Frontiers

Perversion reached new highs(or should that be lows) recently when Kieron Bobbette pleaded guilty to 5 counts of sexual assault at Hove Crown Court.His 'crime'...was chasing teenage girls until he was able to ride piggyback on them!! Bobette (no relation to John Wayne Bobbit or John Wayne for that matter) "denied that any sexual gratification was involved but accepted that there was a sexual element in the offences".The new offence of "Bobbetteing" has now entered the criminal psyche.Beware...what next?..The playground game of "May I" will only be acceptable if the answer is "Yes you may",Will "Floretta" be outlawed for fear of paedo attraction.And what about (god forbid).. the "Three legged race"!!!! Can you imagine poor Bobbette in the 'Nonce Wing' of the local jail. "And what you in here for.....Errr Piggyback riding" I guess it takes all sorts Bertie.....Anyone for Wheelbarrows?

The Winner Takes It All

Last weekend Lord Roby was at a loose end.To spice things up a little he decided to have a little flutter.There is a new kinda bet in town.It's called Goals Galore.The premise is quite simple.All you have to do is pick football matches in which both teams will score.The more you get right,the more you win.However, get one wrong and it's curtains.Being a greedy bastard ,Lord Roby went for ten! If nothing else at least I would have plenty of scanning to do as the results started to come in.The first six came in rather quickly.Sheff Weds 1 -QPR 2,Aston Villa 5-Bolton 1,ManCity 3- Burnley 3, Wigan 1-Fulham 1,Falkirk who were bottom of the league drew 3-3 with Celtic who were top after being 0-0 at half-time! Number 6 was Blackpool 4,Scunthorpe 1.I was now starting to twitch The problem was that time was running out.Newcastle were winning 3-0,Tottenham were winning 1-0, and Blackburn were winning 3-0,but worst of all Notts Forest were drawing 0-0.Things were beginning to look hopeless until Portsmouth scored against Blackburn.7 up! With 10 minutes to go Peterborough pulled a goal back against Newcastle.Then with 5 minutes to go Notts Forest broke the deadlock.All I could do was stare at the TV and will the other two to score.Stone me! In the last minute Bristol City scored an equaliser!!!! I was now panting/ hyperventilating.All that left, was Sunderland to score. And then........the Sunderland and England striker Darren Bent breaks clear.Clean through on goal.The goalkeeper pulls him down.Penalty!! (and the goalkeeper sent off!!!!) Except, the referee inexplicably decides to only show the keeper a yellow card.Darren Bent steps against his old club and the keeper who isn't supposed to be there, saves his penalty.Bastardo!!! Tottenham run out 2-0 winners.If the penalty had been scored my meagre £3 bet would have returned the princely sum of £2103.The way things are at the moment the only luck I am getting is bad luck.Say La V

'O' livers Army

Jamie Janes: An apology from Jocky Brown

Janie Jones was a great soldier.Unfortunately one day his Ford Cortina just ran out of fuel on the battlefield.My sympathies go out to his mother Jack Jones.
As a soldier Jimmy James was no slouch,nor was he a vagabond.He was just working for the clampdown.His 'Mary Doll' said 'if he had had any career opportunities he wouldnae have been there at all.'
As a soldier Jim Jams worked tirelessly for his troop.Often going days without sleep chasing insurgents.
As a soldier Jammie Jim was no dodger.To imply that, really is taking the biscuit!

If there any typos in this please forgive me as I only have one eye,..it's Brown...and I frequently talk out of it !!

RIP Jamie Janes....It's hard to defend yourself when all you have is a snub nosed 44.

'ELEVATOR GOING UP'

Red Red Whine

Somethings are beyond my comprehension.Not many.But some.The stance being taken by Liverpool and Man Utd over displaying poppies on their shirts this week-end is one of those incomprehensible things. Of all teams, both of these should know better.We have had many reminders down the years on the anniversary of the Munich air disaster in 1958 and it's effect on Man Utd and it's fans.Also,every year Liverpool steadfastly refuse to play on the anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster.In fact they even lobbied UEFA to prevent a european game being staged on April 15th.The reason given for not displaying poppies, in both cases was..'we do enough for the armed forces as it is'. It's not the fans idea,and I'm pretty sure it's not the players idea.That leaves the Chief Exec and the owners.In both cases American.But why should American owners have an axe to grind? If it's the cost of a new strip for a day,then the shirts would instantly become collectors items and could auctioned off at a profit,with the proceeds going to the Haig Fund; which is exactly what most clubs are doing.Man Utd stuck to their guns and played today without a poppy in sight.Liverpool play tomorrow.Lets hope they have a change of heart at the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month......

Park Life

Only last week the two people above achieved greatness.Both were crowned world champions on the same day.Jenson Button won the Formula 1 title and Beth Tweddle became World Gymnastics champion(our first ever).Jenson,a self confessed playboy, no doubt spends a lot of his time in and around Park Lane,London.Young Beth spends most of her time in and around Park Road Gym,Liverpool.When asked why he thought if he had suffered for his success Jenson replied 'the G forces when cornering are like having your face ripped off!'.Believe me;if you hang aroung Park Road corners too long, in Liverpool, you will have your face ripped off!! Oh!, and Jenson was also man enough to take a £5m pay cut.Oh the humanity! I'm sure Beth would love to take a £5m pay cut too.Why the indignation? Well within minutes of winning the title,Jenson received warm congratulations from Gordon Brown.As far as I know Beth is still waiting for hers.By all accounts Beth is the perfect role model for kids and spends lots of time giving support to others and attending awards ceremonies.It looks like Gordon would rather revere someone who sits on his arse for a living, rather than someone who is a genuine inspiration to kids with no apparent prospects.When it come to Sports Personality of the Year; I know where my vote is going,and it wont be down Park Lane.

Bye Bye Blackbird

I had the good fortune of a visit from this magnificent beast in my garden recently.I guess it wasn't so fortunate for the Blackbird that was immobilised by it's mighty talons.I was transfixed by this Sparrowhawk for about five minutes, as it slowly crushed the life out of the unfortunate 'Blackie'.It was completely unperturbed by anything around it and the cacophany of squawking from all the other birds nearby.If it had had been a cat,I would have chased it.But,I somehow felt priviliged to have it pay me a visit.After a few tasty morsels, for good measure, it gathered up its prey are carted it off to it's stash.I know; I should know better and only put food on the bird table.But,then if I had,I would never have had the pleasure of a close encounter with it.

Born to Lose

The guy on the left of the above photo is none other than Tony Kay.For those who seen him play,he was one of the best players ever to wear the shirt and destined to become England captain for the 1966 World Cup.Bought from Sheffield Wednesday for a then record fee of £60,000 back in 1962.It all came unstuck when a certain Kelvin Mc Kenzie,then a fledgling reporter with the Sunday People,broke the story in 1964, that Tony had bet on a Sheff Wed game to lose, while he was playing for them.They lost.However,Tony was given the man of the match award for that game!! Guess he must have been trying too hard to lose.Tony was one of the first people to be convicted by taped evidence,even though it was impossible to hear what was on the tape! There was also no evidence that he had bet on any other game.Yet,he was convicted and sent to jug for 4 months.Following this he was declared 'sine die' by the FA,never to play professional football again.Everton,the innocent party in all this received no compensation for loss of his services.Strange then that only last week, Accrington Stanley player Peter Cavanagh received only an 8 month ban and a paltry fine for the same offence, while Tony Kay was convicted of 'conspiracy to defraud' and ultimately to lose his livelihood.As an aside; the Kray twins were particularly concerned about this new method of gathering evidence by tape recorder and duly 'requested' Tonys presence in the The Blind Beggar.Initially he resisted, but the Krays eventually got their man.Unlike Everton who lost theirs forever.

City Of The Dead

The two images above have a rather notable historic connection.The one below was recently taken in 'Two Dogs' or Huyton, for those of you who do not have an affection for the place.'Two Dogs' is becoming a very dangerous place to live; with guns including Mach10's being unloaded on a regular basis.They say whatever America gets we get 20 years later.This was the one thing I didn't want.Banning guns seems to have done little to prevent the rise in gun crime.Let's face it if you have the money almost anything can be bought.The image above it, is of Ashford-on the-Water in Derbyshire where I took Lady Roby for a very pleasant day out recently.As picturesque a place as you will find.Very peaceful,untroubled and a pleasure to be there.Strange then,that both places should start life by appearing in the Domesday Book.Only one it would appear was actually doomed.

Holidays in the Sun

'Cheap holidays in other peoples misery'...Hey that must mean I'm off to Cape Verde Islands for my annual vacation.This time I've done plenty of homework.A little bit of me thinks maybe I should have done this before I booked.Why?..Well apart from that fact that the holiday is all inclusive right down to the 24/7 help yourself beer tap.The little niggle is that most of the locals survive on less than a dollar- fifty a day.Being Portuguese before independence should lend itself to some sort of civilisation I guess.But there is also Brazilian and African elements in the mix.Well it is only a boat ride away from Senegal.Loads of great reviews....but also a few of some concern.Like the poor guy who got 'mugged' the first time he set foot outside the complex! Or the fact that the beach is on lockdown from 7pm.Looks like skinny-dipping is off the menu.If I was skinny I might be bothered.Also,I don't know if the armed guard at he entrance to paradise is a worry or a comfort to me.The best way to get around is by taxi.However, there are plenty of unofficial ones in the shape of pick-up trucks which are a whole lot cheaper.At least we will have unlimited food,drink and sunshine.As for the locals....'Let them eat cake'...but not mine!

King of the Road

Mark Cavendish is a Tour De France star in the making.A sprinter extraordinaire.So far this year he has won over 80% of all sprints and finished 2nd in the rest.A native of the Isle of Man, he has a certain Scouse twang and (over)confidence about himself.He has not so far acknowledged any Scouse roots but they can't be too far away.Two hours on the Sea-Cat I suspect.His nickname is the Manx Missile and for once he takes time to explain his tactics and strategy.Nothing is left to chance.Guess that's why he wins so often.On Sunday the tour was in the Pyrenees, not far from the bull run in Pamplona.An opportunity missed.Maybe next year when I am not so unemployed.Also, the last testing stage on this years tour is the dreaded Mount Ventoux.It was on this mountain that our last TDF hero Tom Simpson died by riding himself to death.His last words were 'go on,go on'.Sadly his body wasn't listening.Vive le Tour.Funny how all the podium chicks are pretty white girls.

Sheik,Rattle and Roll

It would appear by all accounts that some arab or other has just purchased a 60% stake in an unknown premier league club.And yet the press, whose job it is to find out, are singularly unmoved.Why will they not be moved?Is it because it is not Man U,Chelsea or Arsenal :or unlikely, but not impossibly, our bastard child?Well Liverpools Chairman has just resigned and the Secret Sheik has assumed the role of honourary Chairman.Looking at Evertons shareholdings;60% would account for 2 of our major shareholders(Kenwright included).It isn't Villa; they have a sugar daddy.It won't be Tottenhams 'Yid Army' for obvious reasons.Next in line Man City...they've just got some onboard..Wigan..nope....Fulham...they've got Mohammed 'de did Dodi do, didn't de do la' Al Fayed....We're starting to scrape the barrell now.West Ham..they've just been taken over by more bankrupt Icelandics...Portsmouth..they're just southern scummers...Stoke,Wolves,Burnley,Bolton,Blackburn....well you just wouldn't bother your arse with them.So it looks like it may be down to Everton or Liverpool.Could the Yanks bring themselves to work with an arab with more money than them.?.doubt it...could Kenwright offload to someone who doesn't live and breathe the club?...doubt it too.So who the chuff have they invested in, and why all the secrecy?...I'm still searching, religiously, for a clue!

Keep On Running!

I suppose with the FA Cup Final upon us,some reminiscing is inevitable,as us Evertonians search around for omens that will lead to some long awaited silverware.As a club we have have generally done well down the years.Winning at least one trophy in every decade since we were formed, over 125 years ago, is no mean feat.This is our last chance to do so in the noughties.It has to happen.The Everton fan shown achieved notoriety back in 1966 for becoming the first pitch invader at Wembley; since the whole crowd invaded the pitch, when the Empire Stadium was opened back in 1923.A resident of Two Dogs,Eddie Cavanagh,known locally as 'Tithead' ,due to his loss of hair in later years, could not contain himself after Everton came from 2-0 down to beat Sheffield Wednesday 3-2 in the greatest ever FA Cup Final.What chance this happening again.The odds will be high,no doubt.
But the omens are good.In the Semi-Final that year Everton beat Man Utd(the same as this year) before going on to win the cup.It's got to be worth putting half a crown on!

It's A Heartache

I've thought for some time now that referees are nowadays primarily there to change the outcome of games, not to referee them.Last night's display by Ovrebo on behalf of UEFA, merely confirmed that.He blatantly ignored a number of 'cast iron' penalty appeals by Chelsea with some bizarre decisions.As an Everton fan, I have lost count of how many times we have been on the receiving end of rough justice.It must happen at least half a dozen times a season.The Hellas Verona fans have a saying for it. 'A Figura di Merda'....loosely translated it means 'this shit happens too often', and ususally against teams with more infuence due to their stature.Clattenburg and Collina have been particularly effective exponents of this approach against the Toffees in recent times.Fortunately neither of them are no longer refereeing.There is no point protesting against it you Chelsea Headhunters,as you well know,the refs decision is final.Welcome to our world.

Wide Eyed and Legless

Before leaving Belgium I had a score to settle.I had heard tell of a little bar down a short impasse(cul de sac in French!) called the Floris Bar.The attraction....... Absinthe.Being a lover of pernod,aniseed ,liquorice and being off my tits;I just had to find it.After two unhappy attempts(well it is in a cul de sac) I caught up with the place.There, in all their grandeur across two bars;over 300 different blends.I couldn't wait. Not wishing to take any chances I went striaght for the most expensive.7.50 euros.It was served with a spoon,lump of sugar(diabetic my arse) and a cute looking water carrier to allow it to be diluted to suit.This absinthe, called '1901' was absolutely delicious.With subtle flavours of aniseed, liquorice and more aniseed.After 15mins I was starting to get a stupid grin on my face, while feeling very mellow.The second was half the price,was blue in colour(?) and tasted like meths.But given that they were both 70 proof,I was, by now starting to feel very,very mellow and developing a 'vinegar strokes' style facial rictus.Mad,bad,and dangerous to know.I've got a bottle of the '1901' on order!

Its My Party

Nivelles has recently had it's annual carnival.When I got wind of it, I was a bit sceptical.Belgians/Carnival;well you just don't associate boring Belgians with serious partying do you?Well it won't be no Rio, or so I thought.'Carnivals' in England usually go on for a day,then end up in a riot or a few stabbings.In Nivelles this was serious drinking and partying and more drinking and more partying and and and....
Day 1.The Friday.I got to the bar in the late evening.Most of the young ones were already the worse for wear.For the first time my instincts were telling me that trouble may be around the corner.It was.A young gobshite decided it was Ok to keep repeating "For sure....For sure" in my face. I humoured him.He kept up.I humoured him.As he was about to leave he decided to pour what was left of his drink into my drink.Not funny.Lord Roby had his adams apple between ones thumb and forefinger in no time.The security guy was over like a shot and turfed the gobshite out.Fortunately it was Lord Roby's local and he was the stranger! Lord Roby lasted til 1am and 'retired' pissed.I say retired because the beat of the music and drums was right outside, and below my gaff.It may as well have been in my bedroom!!
It ended at about 5am.At about the same time it started again for Day 2!The Saturday.Saturday I was up for it.An all day sesh!I did my best but was in bed with by midnight.It went on again until 5am.At which point Day 2 ended and Day 3 began.Where were these guys and girls putting it all.The drumming was incessant because everytime a costumed carnival goer moves,the tradition is that a drummer follows them.Even for a pee!The Sunday,Day 3,I had plans to drive into Germany.I had had no sleep for the second night, so I decided to go out for a coffee at 10am.
As I negotiated the drunks on my doorstep a Belgette confronted me with a free glass of Champagne.Some things I never refuse.As it happened I had a bottle of LP in the fridge.By midday I/we were blitzed on bubbly.This carnival just got better.The Belgettes were dangerously drunk by now.Lord Roby managed to slip off to bed for a couple of hours before the 'Parade' started.The parade was a 500 strong procession of various factions.Some men only ,some girls only,others for kids as well,and some parodies,like " Shalom Rabbi" which just repeated the same song and dance for days on end, all dressed in orthodox Jewish costume.
Sunday night I had to 'cool' it, as I had work the next day at 7am.No point.The partying went on in my absence.No sleep again.The party ended(thankfully) AT 5AM.Day 4.The Monday.This is the day for the locals to celebrate(as if they haven't already).The evening was a family affair, after a day of throwing thousands of blood oranges around.Day 4 ended with burning of effigies over birch twigs in a pagan stylee,while all the locals sang in tongues and swayed.It was all getting a bit like an episode of the Avengers.But nontheless pleasant.I got to bed at about midnight.The party went on.No sleep again.The drumming was by now monotonous in the extreme.
I got home on Tuesday,Day 5 and it was still going on.It ended at 8pm with a firework display right outside my window.I had survived it.
This carnival is repeated on consecutive weekends throughout Spring,albeit in different towns,for 3 months...to banish the Winter.Who says the Belgians are boring!

Great Big Kiss

Well the inevitable finally happened. A Belgian kiss! I didn't even ask for it or give him permission.I just leaned forward to hear him a bit better, amongst the noise of the carnival.Honest! And he took this bob as a come on.I'm worried now that if I bump into him tonight, for round two of the carnival, that he will expect me to return the 'favour'.Am I now his Belgian Bitch?. It's been 5 months in coming.Is there a waiting list for Belgian kisses?Do you have to earn your lips? As luck would have it there quite a few more today.Thankfully they were all from Belgettes.Strange then that all this affection should come after my first run-in with a local gobshite the night before.I guess the Carnival brings out the best and the worst in some people.Vive La carnival.

The Message

"Broken glass....nowhere....people pissin on the floor you know they just don't care." Well it is Belgium after all.Men AND women are partial to a bit of what us Brits refer to as indecent exposure.The main difference between driving to work every morning here and in Two Dogs is the total absence of broken glass as a result of local Hedz or Neds (as they are called in Glasgow) smashing up as many bus shelters as they fancy.I also don't have to worry about walking alone anywhere at night.In fact I seem to be the only person out on the street after 10pm.I don't know if there is a voluntary curfew, or whether the kids here are kept well in check by good parenting.But it is a total pleasure to walk out at night without worrying about what gathering you may happen across,and whether you should make a detour to avoid it.After 16 the kids are allowed in the pubs whereas in England they are completely cast adrift.Those that don't/won't work don't have anywhere else to inhabit.Consequently they don't have much to lose.The message.Look after the kids and they just might look after you!.... P.S The bus shelters do stink of pish though!!

Train In Vain

So it was off to the Alps for the weekend.These are the things that you can do when living in central Europe.Just catch a TGV and in 4 hours you're there.Except in an effort to compromise,I decided to stop short of the high alps in favour of more leisure(beer) time in Chambery.Well how was I to know that Bourg St Maurice at the end of the line, was the last stop for Val D'Isere! How was I to know the World Downhill Skiing Championships were going on that very weekend! Chambery was deserted.Guess were everyone was and I wasn't?All I had to do was stay on the train an hour or two longer and I would have been trailing in the wake of Franz Klammer,Patrick Tomba, and Harti Weirather....I may have even got a glimpse of Anya Pearson....all this with the late David Vine's dulcet tones filling my head with nostalgia.Except it didn't happen.I didn't do my usual homework before booking a trip.This time, more than any other time, I paid a high price for my ignorance.It was still a pleasant weekend but it could have been so much more.At least I know where Val D'Isere is now.Pity David Vine didn't spell it out, all them 'Ski Sunday' years ago!

Germ Free Adolescents

Lord Roby has been ill recently.Very ill indeed.At the height/depth of this maladie things were a tad desperate.As I travelled home on the Monday evening, wondering why I was shaking all over, I decided to top up on fuel.I unwittingly gave my card in and then proceeded to drive away without paying.Upon arrival at my apartment it dawned on me that as well as a nasty virus,I was also experiencing my first attack of hypoglyceamia.The thing with this is;the tank is almost empty but like a 'replicant' you don't know exactly when the axe will fall.I searched in vain for Lucozade.None to be found. Off to the supermarket for Gatorade.On the way I stopped to get some cash.No card! Back to the apartment for loose change.Up 3 flights of stairs.Getting weaker by the second.Off to the local Co-Op.NoGatorade.Cakes perchance.Off to the pattiserie.All patisseries shut on Monday, as they are open all day Sunday.Getting seriously delirious by now.Stumbling along as if I'm pissed,mumbling cake,cake,cake!Then from nowhere as if by magic I am approached by two young very cute Belgettes.After explaining I was English and didn't understand a word she had said,the cuter of the two asked me 'If I thought her friend was pretty' !!! Ordinarily this may have led to a rather pleasant exchange.Except in this instance it was my turn to ask them if they had any sweets!! They didn't.I guess I may have inadvertantly hit upon the way to a Belgettes heart.Act pissed and repeat the word 'Cake' over and over.I returned to my apartment, Co-op cake in hand to find myself locked out!! Game Over.

Identity

How ironic, that the week after Lord Roby should receive his Belgian ID Card, that he should be told he is leaving Belgium in the near future.I swore I would never carry an ID Card in the UK on principle.But somehow it doesn't seem so much of an issue over here.At least I'm too old for national service.While I am on the subject of identity,the Belgians have a little quirk with which they can identify each other in the presence of the French.You see when the French count above 69 they say 60-10(soixante -dix),60-11,60-12 etc.The Belgians won't have this,they have invented Septant.And so they count accordingly; Septant Un (71),Septant Deux (72) etc.So next time you are in Belgium,Soixante-Neuf is fine,but Soixante Dix is a no-no.Well I suppose it would be!
P.S. The man in the picture is NOT Lord Roby.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go

Driving in Belgium can be bad for your health.First off they have a strange priority from the right thing going on.Not everywhere, but only in certain circumstances.If you see a crossroads sign, then beware because it means somebody can drive straight into you from a minor road to your right and you are to blame! Secondly Belgians are the most ignorant drivers I have come across.There is no way they will allow you onto 'their' motorway.They will see you nestled in the crash barrier on the slip road before they will give way.And finally Belgian drivers have no respect for pedestrian crossings.On many occasions I have been half way across the road only to look right and see a car speeding towards me.Now, I wait until there is nothing on the horizon before I step out.Well you live and learn.

Police On My Back

Last night Lord Roby had a close shave.After a few beers 5 33cls(trente-trois' in Belgie) in Brussels over a 4 hour period, I had to decide whether to drive the car from the station or use Shanks' Pony.The weather and the Toffees being on Match of the Day in a few minutes meant I was behind the wheel and off.About half way into the 5 minute journey I was passed by the local plod.This was the last thing I needed.I watched in my rear view mirror as they performed the obligatory u-turn.I was on the radar.It was time to get my foot down.I reached the road I needed to park up in only to find it blocked due to the local market!! It was time to rely on my wits and a couple of jiggers to get me to my apartment.I managed to get parked up and out of the car about 10 seconds before the plod cars headlights came in to view.There was only 1 thing left to do.Walk back towards the car.Well they would be looking for someone heading away from the car surely.This classic double bluff meant they shot past me to the badly parked car ahead, torches in hand and carried on away from me in pursuit of the culprit.Match of the day was ditched in favour of a classic double calvados.Phew! Next time I will walk.

Let's Talk About Sex.

I guess most of you out there know that that learning a new language can be quite daunting.Particularly when you have nobody to back you up when you get stuck.Even more so when you are angry,like this morning when my taxi was over 2 hours late!You just don't have the ammunition to give them both barrells when you most need to.But when the language is French and you have the added problem of sex..; it can be even more trying.You see all French nouns are either masculine or feminine.I say Un Baguette..they say Une Baguette Monsieur?....I say Un Saucisson....they say Une Saucisson Monsieur?....I say Le Kalashnikov....They say La Kalashnikov Monsieur?....
Am I the butt of some Wallonian game?.....Hide Le Saucisson maybe....sorry.... La Saucisson....How on earth can anyone consider baguettes,sausages and kalashnikov rifles to be feminine is beyond the realms of my understanding.Vive le/la Grenouilles!