Thursday, 31 July 2008

Madness,Madness,They Call It Madness

This forum was not created to extol the virtues of the Dark Side,our bastard child from over the park,but I am getting increasingly concerned for their welfare.Are they all suffering from Rafa Benittis,Repetitive Never Again Injury,Delusions of Grandeur.The spend is now up to at least £300 million and they are no nearer winning the league than 20 years ago.The latest poaching is Keane at somewhere near £40million all-in (including the pay off to appease the injured party).Let's face it,Tottenham were the last club who were going to refuse more money to keep quiet! And Barry; a 'steal' at £20 million without the salary and pay off!These would appear to be the actions of a desperado.If I was Stevie Gee Laaa, I would looking for a new club to poach me,come the January transfer window."Easyjet for Rafa." The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.Well there's always next season.Also to all the armchair fans out there; the players aren't really 4 inches tall!!!

Tuesday, 29 July 2008

The Female of The Species

It would appear from todays news bulletins that we are about to create a new crime.The heinous offence of 'premeditated manslaughter'.The accent in this case is definitely on the man bit.Lets say there's a bit of trouble and strife in the relationship,throw in a bit of PMT for good measure,decide that this is a good time to off your old man and hey Bob's yer uncle.The missus can now claim provocation and end up receiving compo for all her trauma.Is there an offence of 'premeditated womanslaughter'? I think not.You see the generally held view is that only men commit domestic violence.Bollocks! Misogyny is definitely a man thing.It must be, as it has no feminine counterpart.The nearest etymologically you will get to it is Misandry,but it aint in my Oxford English Dictionary and I doubt very few have ever encountered the word.Why would they because women don't ever hate men.Why would they?

Sunday, 27 July 2008

Hot In The City

It would appear from an article I read today that all is not well in the scientific community over climate change and the way the temperature data is collected and evaluated.The data most widely cited as being representative is that supplied by James Hansen of Nasa's Goddard Institute for Space Studies.Hansen is an ally of Al Gore, the Nobel prize 'winner'.However,other equally emminent organisations are now challenging the validity of GISS' data.Namely,that they are the only ones to rely on surface based data as well as satellite readings.Strangely some of the surface based sensors would appear to be in rather dubious locations i.e. asphalt car parks or local to air-conditioning outlets!...Now I wonder if this would skew the data?
Gorey Al has always appeared to champion this theory that although the planet has been cooling for the last 4.5 billion years it has suddenly started to heat up in the last 100 years since we began collecting data! A leading French scientist has called Gorey Al a 'crook' for presiding over an eco-business that pumps out cash.And what a tax gatherer it is.Accuse people of creating too much of something that can't be seen or measured and then proceed to tax them to death for doing it!
A programme on Channel 4 recently challenging global warming was watched by 2.7 million people and received some 250 odd complaints.When it was judged by the broadcasting complaints commission it was accused of doing untold damage and setting back the global warming crusade years.Thankfully the commission found in Channel 4's favour and defended their right to make thought provoking documentaries.No doubt the commissioner will soon be found burnt at some eco-friendly stake and accused of suicide in a government scientist style.
Lord Roby is now off to burn some stubble on his estate.Yippee!

Wednesday, 23 July 2008

Top Toffees

Leonard Rossiter was born in the Edge Hill district of Liverpool.He always got off on coming from Edge Hill; and went on to become one of my favourite comedy actors. The fact that he was an Evertonian, who was on the clubs 'books' at one time also helped. He was captain of his school cricket and football teams and once scored all 11 goals for the school team in an 11-0 win! He was at his best in Rising Damp as the lecherous (Rupert) Rigsby and used to indulge his passion for Everton by dressing up the on-set skeleton in a blue and white scarf and bobble hat on occasion.However as a performer,he was a perfectionist and gave his co-actors a torrid time.So much so that one of his co-stars,Don Warrington, wanted to teach him a lesson and challenged him to a game of squash, with the intent of wiping the floor with the much older 'Rigsby'.Little did he know that our Leonard was also a very handy County squash player! It was Don who ended up in a heap at the back of the court with Leonard barely breaking sweat.
An Evertonian until the day he died and a worthy inductee to the Two Dogs Toffees Hall of Fame.

Saturday, 19 July 2008

Camera Camera

I was caught behind a white van last night while travelling to my local Oddbins, for my regular Friday night bottle of claret.His bumper screamed at me 'WELL DRIVEN IF NOT RING THIS NUMBER' Of course it wasn't being well driven.But would anybody seriously bother their arse to ring up and have him sacked.As if it's not bad enough having a tracker fitted just in case you can't be picked up by a CCTV or traffic camera; your boss now wants to enlist the help of any other driver you might encounter to judge your performance.Are any other professions persecuted like this I wonder? Does your average whore have "WELL BATTERED" tattooed on her backside?Does your local gigolo have" WELL HUNG" on his lower abs? Is your pole-dancer obliged to be "WELL SLITHERED"? I guess not.
You may not realise it, but all this layered persecution does take it's toll.It was only when I was in Venice for a Christmas weekend a few years back that I realised that something was amiss.I actually became aware that I wasn't being watched or directed at every possible juncture.It felt really liberating as it should.There where no traffic lights(obviously) and only three signs in the whole of Venice!St Marks Square and the Rialto Bridge being two of them and third I can't recall,probably because I never came across it! And yet nobody gets lost.Well not forever anyway....A miracle!
Now Big Brown and co wan't to gather every e-mail and text and phonecall and, and, and....Why the fascination,they've never insisted on reading and storing every snail mail ever sent.Why?... as an old old friend of mine once said..."Because they can!" Arthur C Clark and the waller who invented the binary system have got a lot to answer for! I wonder what this gargantuan computer might be called.BIG BROWN maybe.From trilobites to kilobytes... did we really come all this way just to be spied upon?

Thursday, 17 July 2008

Drug Stabbing Time

I don't know why but I've always had a soft spot for The Tour De France.It's not rational since I find Formula 1 incredibly boring.So what is it about cycling around France in the glorious sunshine.Maybe it's because I also love driving around France in the glorious sunshine.Well today, amidst the annual drug furore that seems to overshadow the tour these days,Mark Cavendish (a Manxman with a scouse accent) became the first Englishman to win three stages in a tour ever! Drugs and cycling have always seemed to go hand in handlebar since the sixties.In fact Lord Roby was first introduced to 'substances' by an amateur cyclist f(r)iend.My pushers cycling collegues who were, either semi-pro or pro cyclists, all had jars full of the stuff!
Another thing that attracts me to the Tour is the madness of it all and the levels of fitness required just to compete.I'd be hard pushed to drive the course in the same time.
A particular tour hero is/was Tom Simpson,shown dying above.Tom literally rode himself to death on Mount Ventoux on a scorching hot 13th Stage on the 13th of July 1967.As well as drinking brandy 'en route' he also ingested some amphetamines for good measure. This coupled with a stomach bug and allied to the fact that the Tour organisers in those days only allowed 2 litres of water to combat dehydration, lead to Toms slow asphyxiation as he approached the summit.Not one to give up; his last words as the bike went sideways instead of forwards were 'Go on,go on!'

Wednesday, 16 July 2008

White Flag.

The flags were flying at half mast outside Quaff Castle today as,at the11th Hour of the 16th Day of July..... Lord Roby became the first in a generation to join the proletariet by 'signing on'.There was almost a reprieve at 8:30 that very morning when the phone rang.It was the outcome of a job interview, the day before in Winsford,Cheshire.The message..."You have all the skills required,and obviously now your stuff....but you where a little nervous during the interview, so I'm going to think about it!" Just what do you have to do to satisfy these people? This knock-back was up there with a previous one that accused me of lacking 'sparkle'.I wasn't even applying for a job as the purveyor of Tinkerbelles pixie-dust pouch ; just one with the water board!
When this happens to me I start to get a tad paranoid.If there's no obvious reason for me not getting a job..What's the real reason? Being of scouse origin I am naturally thick skinned,because once we cross the city limits we are generally hated, mostly as a consequence of an over-zealous media.As Winston Churchill put it 'When one Englishman opens his mouth another one hates him' Or something to that effect.
Winsford you see was populated by refugee ,slum clearance, scousers in the late 60's and early 70's.This didn't go down too well with the local populace and for all I know these tensions still exist today.The problem is how do you prove it? You can't exactly pull the race card, even though it may be no different to any other type of discrimination.Are my suspicions correct? Will my potential employer really think about it?Is he asking his boys if they mind working with a scouser? Who knows....But somehow I think the opportunity has gone and I'll probably never really get to know why.So it's on to the next interview.....No Surrender!

Tuesday, 15 July 2008

What Do I Get?

I heard the news today that footballer Ryan Giggs has received an honorary degree, for services to football and his charity work.A Masters degree no less. So it set me thinking.While I already have a degree, I have also been a loyal servant of Everton FC for almost 40 years now.Any recognition of this?...Do I get an honorary championship medal or even to toss the coin before the start of a game? Not a chance.
And as for charity work I would guess that the average punter buying a 'Big Issue' or a lotto scratchcard gives a bigger proportion of their income to charity than your average 'charitable' footballer.Given that the average 'charitable' footballer only has a double digit IQ, I would suggest that it's the University who are being charitable.What next a PH.D for Rooney and a Consultants role at Alder Hey,for services to Auld Slapper!

Monday, 14 July 2008

Its Quim Up North!

Now I've travelled all over Western Europe and up and down the eastern seaboard of the US and wherever I've been I never see any girls to compare with the might of the scouse bird.Maybe it's genetic that I find local girls attractive ,you know propogation and all that.But then maybe it's just that they are head and shoulders above all other races.I am well qualified to judge....As Lady Roby once said to me "All you ever do is watch football and other women".Can't argue there then.Jennifer Ellison, shown above, as well as being a local lass is also a Toffee to boot.This has the added bonus that she would almost certainly get her kit ON in the bedroom.Now,this gentleman, doesn't normally prefer blondes ;but in this case I'm sure I could make an exception.Up the Toffees!

Saturday, 12 July 2008

Don't Let It Pass You By

Well the real Lodge-Day has finally arrived when all my fellow WASPS will toddle off to Southport to party.As a WASP,like most proddies,we do not take our religion very seriously.In fact to me it has always been a bit of a made- up religion without much substance.Also being a scientist and practising aethiest I don't pay much ,if any ,attention to it whatsoever.While many people no doubt do gain some solace from their faith;I get none. We've been up there and there is nothing.We've been down there and there is nothing(but more rocks and lava).At the end of the day we are all maggot shit!
As UB40 once sang "there's no one living on a higher high...don't let the only world you're ever going to live in pass you by".On that note I'm off out to live it up!

Friday, 11 July 2008

Oh Shit!

As well as myself, my 16 daughter is also looking for some temporary work until she goes to college in September.To this end she applied for a temp job as a Cattery Assistant.90% of the job no doubt involves identifying and shovelling cat shit. The proprietor of the local cattery,a miserable jock,(are they all dour) promised to ring her back tonight.The gobshite didn't have the courage or the courtesy to do so.She is now distraught.Obviously she will have to learn to live with rejection.As my old dad used to say..."Life is like a shit sandwich...the more bread you have,the less shit you have to eat." Hopefully,one day, as heir to the Lord Roby estate she won't have to eat shit anymore.

Thursday, 10 July 2008

Road to Ruin

I've decided to start blogging today not because it's 'Lodge Day' but because It coincides with my first trip to the Labour Exchange since leaving school many, many, years ago.I think it's called JobCentre Plus nowadays.Where the Plus comes from God only knows! It all seems pretty damn negative to me.There doesn't seem to be much work out there for an over-qualified scientist,Evertonian with a penchant for fine wine.
I'm expecting a rough ride when I get to the JCP office.I don't know why ; I just am.I'm pretty sure that it won't resemble the one in 'Boys from the Blackstuff' but nonetheless I'm not looking forward to it.To me it represents failure.In over 33 years I've never 'signed on' before and this gives me an immense amount of pride.I'll keep you briefed from Quaff Castle,Two Dogs.