Monday, 22 September 2008

New Dawn Fades

20/20 vision did nothing to make up for the disappointment of 220/110 BP reading. Yes 220/110!!And I couldn't have been more chilled.Is it just my metabolism or could be my inactivity, coupled with rapid weight gain?(not to be confused with rapid weight loss,which is usually fatal).The banana I ate an hour before my medical made no bastard difference whatsoever. Potassium my arse!! I guess medication beckons: if I want to live to be gored by a Maura Bull in Pamplona on my 50th birthday.I don't know about bananas I'll need a rocket up my jacksie on July 11th 2009 at 8.01am. I guess my new career is all down to my blood test results on Wednesday.I wonder if I tell him it's a DSS 'Get your arse offa Incapacity Benefit' medical he'll sign me off 'fit for work'.You know what I think it just might work.Come on you Lipids!!
The doctor is a Nigerian chappie...if all else fails he might be partial to a bung!!

Sunday, 21 September 2008

Lord Roby of Wallonia

It would appear from all recent indicators that Lord Roby may soon be on a soujourn to Wallonia.I've been asked to declare my overall size and shoe size and have also been asked to attend a medical.Does this mean I can actually go back to work? Well in Belgium,a founder member of the EU the answer is no!! I need a work permit.They don't call them work permits,they call them Limosa's(sound like a top cocktail to me).But since I have to forward my details including my passport number,then present myself in person at Wallonia Town Hall, with a copy of my birth certificate,marriage licence and contract of employment for inspection, prior to being allowed to start work;this seems like a work permit to me.Maybe Gordo and his boys at the Home Office in downtown Liverpool could learn a thing or two from our fellow EU members about quelling immigration.Let's face it, if one of our own has to jump through so many hoops then moose-heads should have no chance.
Another feature of the whole employment process is the need to have a medical.To this end Lord Roby has been de-toxing for the last few days.No mean feat I tell you.First to go was the coffee.This was the toughest.Plenty of weird tingles and aches.Then it was the alcohol.After the coffee this was plain sailing.The only disappointment was waking up on Sunday morning knowing that it was the best I was going to feel all day!!The medical is at 2:30 on Monday.I should be well into the 'crack' pipe by sundown.

Friday, 12 September 2008

Gypsies,Tramps and Thieves

Yesterday, I had the misfortune to learn of Linda Buchanan.Linda,58 was waiting for a train at Farningham Road station, when she asked a fellow 'traveller' if he would refrain from smoking.Shortly after she found herself with multiple bruises and a fractured wrist,while laying perilously close to the electrified rail;with the 7:57 fast approaching!!
Ionel Rapisca,from Kent,and an immigrant of East European extraction has been charged with GBH(that all!!).
Lord Roby has had the misfortune to come across these types,on the odd occasion.You need not ask their origin; they all have unfeasibly large heads not unlike that of an encephalytic moose.If one of them ever asks me for a light I will be getting out of Two Dogs sharply.
Seriously though,lets just put this down in the category of 'Things an Englishman Would Never Do'.
Rapisca..('ca' is pronounced 't' in Albanian by the way), is due up before the beak on 5th November.At least they got something right!Hands up those who would like to throw this moose-head on top of the nearest bommie come bonfire night.

Monday, 8 September 2008

Lifes a Gas

It would appear from some rumblings of late that it is the Veggies who will inherit the Earth.Since the latest culprits, in the damnation of planet Earth due to gaseous overload, is us carnivores.This sounds like a stealth tax coupled with a nanny state hidden agenda behind it if ever there was one.I can definitely smell a 'Carnivore Tax' in the offing.If we all become veggies overnight, we will all be reducing our gaseous footprint,since all our food will now be served cold;the cow will cease to exist,methane will no longer poison planet Earth at an alarming rate and we will all be saved.Halle-effin-luah!We will also no longer die of red-meat cancer or calcium calcification of the arteries.(We never did learn how to digest that milk stuff anyway!!)
Alternatively, we can ignore the rhetoric,buy a cow each,have a plentiful supply of milk and sirloin steak,dispense with the lawnmower and give Putins gas the fingers;because we can all keep warm with the strike of a match anywhere within six feet of the nearest cows arse!!!