Thursday, 23 December 2010

The Snowman

Somethings never change.Regardless of the weather and how sub-zero it gets, the dog still has to be taken for a walk.So whilst walking the dog I took in the air.Very crisp and even,while the snow I walked upon was very deep and dry.In fact it was perfect for making snowmen.Except that as far as the eye could see;there was not a snowman in sight.Yet,the local park is surrounded by young kids who have been off school for a week.What's the problem.Is it too much like hard work to build a snowman? Or is it that a snowman cannot, as yet be downloaded? Kids today want everything NOW.And if it takes longer than NOW they don't appear to be interested.When I was a kid my idea of technology would have been a big stick, long enough to reach from the couch, to the push buttons on the Rediffusion TV.As much as I love the instant gratification the internet can deliver,I am so glad I got to grow up in Christmas past.Sadly,kids today will never know the difference between snow-men and snow-women.First one to answer correctly wins a carrot.Texts charged at two bob each!

Friday, 10 December 2010

The King and I

On 5th July 1981 Lord Roby and friends happened upon a riot in Toxteth,Liverpool.We knew it was a riot because there were cars reversing into off- licences and tobacconists and filling up with booze and fags without so much as a 'by your leave'.Also, there was a general air of chaos and mayhem that one does not come across in normal everyday life.There was nothing else to do but get out the car and join in! Cue police stand-offs, missile launching,tractor driving rioters attacking police lines with the sharp end of the bucket.Oh and bank burning.The sight of a Nat West bank going up in flames along with all the cash will live long in the memory.I turned up in work the next day with black smoke rings under my eyes and smelling like a well charred jacket spud on Bonfire night.

Last night Prince Charles and friends happened upon a riot.He knew it was a riot because people were trying to attack him and shouting 'off with their heads' in a rather menacing fashion.

What did our 'future' King do? He kept waving that pathetic tiresome royal wave.For all his intellect and upbringing he had obviously not been concentrating during his 'What to do if you happen upon a riot' training in downtown Balmoral.It would have been nice see him get out and start shouting 'All Coppers Are Bastards' but I suppose that's just wishful thinking; and it did occur to me that Prince William may have told him to turn right at Piccadilly instead of left.What a wag!

The thing is, I never thought for one minute I would ever have anything in common with our future King.

One thing however is certain,the picture above will spawn a thousand captions.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

Should I Stay Or Should I Go

As I was walking down the Frog and Toad the other day I nearly stood on a Richard the Third.Being a responsible chappie I wondered what to do about the Richard the Third to prevent anybody else making a mess of themselves.I decided to try and pick up the Richard the Third.This proved more difficult than I imagined because it wouldn't keep still. When I finally managed to pick it up;with two hands,as it was rather large;I noticed a ring on it's left leg.It was a rather fine specimen of the genus Racing Pigeon( Fugitus Mickus).As it was totally exhausted I decided to take it home and try to contact the Nearly Dead Pigeon's Society.This was no trouble to someone like myself, who as a ragamuffin child spent plenty of time in pigeon lofts.Usually other peoples in the dead of night!! I rang the hotline and gave in the number on the ring,only to be told that the owner was no longer racing pigeons so the computer said I couldn't have his contact details.I was now the unwitting owner of orphan GB 98 J 29924.Apparently the 98 is the date of birth,which at 12 years old makes it rather an old bird,which presumably makes it a successful bird,since pigeons fanciers take no prisoners when it comes to tardy Micks.However,the bird, now known affectionately as Long John Silver Blue because it's always standing on one leg,steadfastly refuses to leave the comfort of my shed.I leave the door open but no luck.I even left it's food bowl by the open door.When I came back there was no sign of LJSB.But only because it had bedded down in some straw on the floor! Maybe it has only flown when racing, but then I'm not about to take it to Whitchurch to find out it's back in the shed before I'm back over Runcorn Bridge.It seems perfectly happy with it's lot,and I've got no problem buying a bag of cracked corn every now and then.So I guess it's here to stay until such times as it decides to go.

Tuesday, 23 November 2010


One of the pleasures of having a blog is checking out where your viewers are viewing from,even if the are not suitably inspired to leave a comment.The most melodic place I've been visited from has to be Florianopolis in Brazil and viewers from The Bronx are always a buzz.But the latest one,I just had to check out! A visitor from the mighty Bashkortostan.Where the flock is that I hear you say? And what is about my blog that interested them? The capital of Bashkortostan is Ufa ( pronounced Ufa in Sirilic).And todays homework is......What colours are the national flag of The Republic of Bashkortostan?.....And for a bonus point.....How long before they are latest addition to the EU?

Sunday, 24 October 2010

Wake Up And Smell the Offy

Last night the Roby's attended a wedding reception at the presigious Grosvenor Hotel in Chester.The night started with a bang.A charrabang to be precise.We left the equally impressive venue of St Georges Hall in Liverpool with the prophetic words of our cheeky chappie driver ringing in our ears.' I'll stop off at an 'Offy'(off licence) on the way.The bar prices are 5 star to say the least'.He duly obliged and pockets were stuffed with 250ml bottles of Stowells finest and cheap Vodka.The Grosvenor was almost everything I expected.Great venue,great food, good quality drinks and excellent service.Apart from the bar staff that is.What I didn't expect was thieving bar stewards.You see the young Duchess of Roby prefers Rose wine, which was in short supply at the offy. At £5.25, a 175 ml glass it was rather pricey, but what the Duchess wants,the Duchess gets.After a couple if glasses I commented that she was quaffing quicker than usual.After showing me the glass she had just bought I knew why.One thing Lord Roby does know is; how many glasses make a bottle of wine!!I offered to buy the next.I was served up about a 100ml of wine.Immediately I advised the thief that the measure was way short.To which he replied...'You want a real glass of wine?'....Q.E.D.

As an addendum, the happy couple Keiron Mc Ging and his beautiful Asian wife,Ming Sing were oblivious to all this.Well for £20,000 you want everything to be perfect don't you? I don't know yet whether Ming Sing will be taking he husbands name or not.Well would you?

Thursday, 14 October 2010

The Way We Were.

Eno Eroutor,Lukwesa Burak,Zeinab Badawi........Terrorists perhaps?.....asylum seekers? axle hangers?.....No actually they are common(?) or garden newsreaders in todays multi-cultural UKistan.Whatever happened to Reggie Bosanquet,Fenella Fudge and Gordon Honeycombe? Ah.. the good old days.Did you know the good old days are always 50 years ago? Did you know nostalgia literally means 'old pain'. Does that mean neuralgia means 'new pain'??? And did you know the man himself Gordon Honeycombe was a rabid Evertonian? Guess not.And why on earth would somebody who was born in Karachi and probably never set foot on Merseyside choose to worship at the altar of St Domingo?As Bertie Bassett once said 'I guess it takes allsorts'!

Monday, 11 October 2010

It's All In the Game

Next Sunday is Derby Day.But for the first time ever there is no talk of football, only questions of ownership and owners for the red half of the city.What will be the outcome of the High Court on the 12th of October?,after the RBS injunction to stop G and T sacking the board are Liverpool already in administration?,will Liverpool be deducted points just as Southampton were when Southampton Leisure Holdings were consumed by their bank?,is 'Harry Kim' just a patsy for G and T or will he....'make it so'? Will any of this make a blind bit of difference when the game kicks off on Sunday? Not one jot. As Joe Royle the ex-Everton player and manager once said,..'In the Merseyside derby the players kick lumps out of each other for the first 20mins......and then they throw the ball on.!!! 'And guess what? We wouldn't have it any other way.We don't care if the rest of the country find in manic,brutal and devoid of anything that resembles cultured football.It's our battle.So come Sunday,let battle commence, but don't expect me for one to enjoy a single minute of it.Pleasure has got absolutely nothing to do with it.

Friday, 8 October 2010

Needles and Pins

A friend of mine recently had the misfortune to fall down this gaping chasm while walking his dog on the park, opposite where he lives.Injury and compensation set in very shortly after.I mean how dumb does your average contractor have to be, to realise that leaving a quagmire like this on a public park is likely to result in at least one claim for compo.The thing is;my friend has confided in me that he is injured,but not that badly.In fact, he has a long standing back injury which is giving him way more 'jip'.....The dilemma is; to maximise the claim the injury needs to be prolonged,which means medicals,physiotherapy and all the usual palava.During the course of this my friend was recommended for acupuncture.Being a scientist he was rather sceptical of this dark oriental homeopathic treatment.Concerned that refusing this time wasting therapy may raise suspicions my friend went ahead with it.To his total suprise the treatment worked.After 15mins of painless puncturing my friend left the physiotherapist feeling rather invigorated and totally pain free for the first time in years.However,my friend now has a dilemma.....does he for purely fiscal reasons, keep schtum or does he congratulate his therapist and stay true to his scientific priciples......Lord Roby being of the aristocracy would obviously 'do the right thing'......But what should his 'friend' do?

Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Barbed Wire Love

While reading The Guardian today in a rather upmarket 'greasy spoon' in the leafy Liverpool surburb of Mossley Hill, Lord Roby came upon this rather disturbing story of Arab-Israeli disharmony.Sabbar Kushor an Israeli of Arab descent introduced himself as a Jewish batchelor seeking a serious relationship with a Jewish woman.The Jewish woman who,he had consensual sex with shortly after, in downtown east Jerusalem, subsequently found out the truth about his Arab upbringing and filed criminal charges of rape.Sabbar Kushor was sentenced to 18 months in prison on Monday.The judge declaring 'the court is obliged to protect the public interest from sophisticated smooth tongued criminals, who can deceive innocent victims at an unbearable price,the sanctity of their bodies and souls' Is this literally a case of where 'Yes' means 'No'? My overriding concern in all this;is that when I met Lady Roby(a staunch Liverpool fan) in The Sausage Factory all them years ago,I'm pretty sure I told her I was an Evertonian BEFORE the relationship was consummated !!! Didn't I ?

Thursday, 8 July 2010

Goosey Goosey Gander

It has come to my attention that all is not well in Camp Goodison.Why ever not you may ask? Well one of our ducklings (an ugly one I might add) has toddled off.He must have been unhappy then.He was,he had just shook hands on a 100% wage rise,to take him to £15000 a week, after all.What then could make him so unhappy that he just had to leave.Greed.
This miserable,no good,ungrateful,badly injured footballer realised that, because the club had not put the offer in writing he just may be able to walk away 'on a free' thereby guaranteeing him a hefty signing on fee.As usual, the FA judged against us,even though we still have a legally binding contract for another 12 months.I can't believe the FA think that they are above the law of the land,but apparently any appeal is 'doomed to fail'.Goslings reward will be to sign for either West Ham(barely avoided relegation last year), Newcastle(haven't won the league since 1927) or Sunderland(well you just wouldn't go there would you?).Every time he returns to Goodison from now on he will rue the day,I guarantee.A little bit of me hopes he gets to see out his last12 months of misery with the club, preferably, in the stiffs.Gosling,go sling yer hook!
Everton: Love The Club,Hate the Players!
P.S. He can't play for at four months due a serious knee injury.Bring on the baseball bats.

Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Accidents Will Happen

Now that the dust has settled on our inglorious exit from the World Cup,it occured to me that Mitzi Muller would have no difficulty outrunning our so called 'defence'.Was it an accident that any player with any pace was deselected to make the final squad? Was it an accident that Capello took a few crocks along to make up the numbers? Was it an accident that John Terry decided to hold an unofficial press conference? Was it another accident that JT organised an 'impromptu' huddle at the end of the Slovakia game when clearly that is for the captain to orchestrate? Was it an accident that JT appeared unable to accept that he was NOT captain anymore; and appeared to be trying to undermine the person who took away the captaincy from him at every opportunity?
Disasters usually need three things to conspire to cause them.In this case,it was having a manager that didn't care,a team that didn't care; and even if they did care they didn't have the one pre-requisite that all modern day footballers need, to make it past the academy stage;PACE !! This was an accident waiting to happen and the only saving grace was that it wasn't the Argies that got to exact the coup de grace!
And is it possible to have an accidental conspiracy? Mmmm!

Saturday, 26 June 2010

Mellow Yellow

In an effort to keep up with the Jones's i.e. Vinogirl and her wines and Thud and his cider making,Lord Roby has decided to venture forth.The drink above is home made Limoncello.Inspired by the Hellas Verona fans in Italy, who faithfully imbibe this liquor on the way to away games,and home games, for that matter.After a week or so brewing; I approached it with trepidation after the England vs Algeria game.There was no need,it was an unqualified success.After a few snifters of this brew to add to the numerous pints that went before,I was absolutely mullered.And to think I only made it with 40 proof alcohol.The Italians, for whom every family has their own recipe,generally make it with 95 proof alcohol!! Lets hope we don't get 'Mullered' by the Germans tomorrow,one night of this stuff was quite enough thanks.

Sunday, 20 June 2010

World Cup Bastardi Watch 1

The Malian referee above excelled himslf on behalf of 'The Bastardi' the other night.How? By deciding that 5 Slovenian players holding,dragging and shirt-pulling,5 USA players constitutes a foul to Slovenia!!!! Consequently,he disallowed a perfectly good USA goal,which would have won the game for America ,thus crowning a remarkable comeback, from 2 goals down at half-time.The only reason for this, that I can formulate is; that the USA weren't supposed to win!! Apparently,'The Bastardi' are going to look into it on Monday.Yeah! just like they 'loooked into' Henri's handball winner against Ireland.In France's case lets hope their demise/disintegration is a case of 'what goes around,comes around'.In America's case, does anyone really think that anything other than a funny handshake will prevail?

Thursday, 10 June 2010

Simple Simon Says

'I'd like to play a game, that is so much fun and it's not so very hard to do.....'.So why make it more difficult than it is for England, by being hell bent on sending off as many players as possible on Saturday.The other day I found this guy,slightly amusing,regardless of his intentions.Now he is really starting to worry me! Today's news is that this joker and his officials have: 'learned 20 English swearwords'...'we can't do this in all languages'...No!, that would be too much like a level playing field.No victimisation there then.And who's to say he will understand,Stevie Geeeeelaaaa or Wayne Rooney's broad scouse accent anyway.And just how does 'Soft-Shite' translate in Portuguese? I just might do a spread bet on there being a world record low number of players to finish a World Cup match on Saturday.Oh and the song 'Simple Simon Says' was sung by The 1910 Fruitgum Company.Struth!!!

Monday, 7 June 2010

Simple Simon

This is the start of what I hope, won't become a regular feature over the coming weeks.World Cup Bastardi Watch.To the unenlightened, 'The Bastardi' are those individuals or collectives that conspire to prevent your team from winning a game that they ought to.The above.. 'crook,scoundrel and shameless bastard' to quote the Palmeiras manager from his native Brazil, is about to officiate on England's opening game against the USA.Another quote from the same man Luis Gonzaga Belluzo.'He must be in someone's pocket,if I met him on the street would slap him'.Wherever this guy goes,controversy inevitably follows.He has previously been banned for 'a repetition of mistakes' .Blatter and Platini you have a lot to answer for already.
Stop Press: Gareth Barry won't now be fit for our opening and most difficult qualifier......ET TU FABIO....

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

Oh Bondage Up Yours!

With all the fine weather we have been having of late, it was inevitable there would be some wildlife casualties.The little chap above must have been indulging in a bit of badders by moonlight.Maybe he tried to jump the net at the end of his game.Either way in the cold light of day he was well and truly snared.I don't get to see enough hedgehogs and even fewer baby ones.Anyone know what they are called,hoglets maybe?...The trouble with this one was that he didn't know when he was onto a good thing.Everytime I got the scissors anywhere near him he just locked himself away.Since I didn't have any chloroform to hand I decided to play the waiting game.Maybe the dog food would tempt him.We all know how much they love a bowl of Chum.After about 2 hours of to-ing and fro-ing, the last of the net was finally snipped and he was free to go aforaging, without so much as a by your leave.Just another summers day in Two Dogs.
This event reminded me; when four Liverpool fans were playing football with a hedgehog right outside my house.I was absolutely disgusted.Just as I was about to ring the RSPCA, I heard a blood curdling squeal.As I turned to look, my horror turned to joy when I realised the hedgehog had gone 1 nil up! Some things never change.

Thursday, 15 April 2010

Some Guys Have All the Luck

Round about this time of year,I usually get the feeling that my luck is about to change.Could it be because I'm an Aries child or could it be something to do with the pesky Pisky I carry around with me(and have done since I was 9!) wherever I go.Generally, I have always been a lucky bar-steward, and I know Napolean preferred his bar-stewards to be of the lucky variety,but this time of year my luck usually goes into overdrive.This year has been no different.At the beginning of the month I entered a competition to win two VIP tickets worth over £400 for a glittering prize.The tickets were for the Everton FC 25th Anniversary of the last time we had a great team! The reason I entered was that, the closing date for the competion was 3 DAYS BEFORE the competition was announced on the club website.I smelt a rat.Somebody at the club had messed up.Within a hour the competition had been relegated to the achives.I knew I was onto something.Only 6 punters had seen the article.The gala night was also only 3 days away.So over the weekend I emailed the contact to find out when the winners would be announced.I was told the winners would find out on Sunday.Sunday came and went.But on Monday, the day of the event,I got the call to say I had won the tickets! I love it when a plan comes together.And what a night it was.Black tie,Champagne all the way,a meal,and a photo call with the class of 85.I was like a kid in a sweetshop.
We are only halfway through the month and I get a call from an anxious owner of a lap dancing bar in the city.He was having some problems with his licence application and could I help! Like Mr Wolf in Pulp Fiction,I was there before he put the phone down.It's a hard life!

Wednesday, 10 March 2010

Friggin in the Riggin

With all this waxing lyrical by Vinogirl about daffodils,it brought to mind a strange tale I once read about.The two gentlemen above are the most unlikely of co-conspirators.One is former poet laureate William Wordsworth the other, none other than the notorious Fletcher Christian.Both went to the same school,Cockermouth Free School and both came from powerful local families.Indeed, Christian was a direct descendant of both William the Conqueror and Edward 1.After Mr Christian had had his wicked way with Captain William Bligh he holed up in the Pitcairn isles for the rest of his natural.Or did he? Rumours abound in the Lake District that the Wordsworth family, who were prominent lawyers, harboured Mr Christian after he returned to Blighty.The Pitcairn Islands,for which this is about the only thing they are famous for, aren't to forthcoming on his demise or the circumstances surrounding it.There are a number of conflicting tales,but nothing definitive.Strange then; that all the mutineers have a grave on the Pitcairn Islands.....except for one.Yes you've guessed it Fletcher Christian!!
One thing however, is a matter of fact.While he was Poet Laureate, William Wordsworth did not write a single line of poetry,not a jot,a couplet or a sonnet.Now that's what I call ,money for old rope!

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Two Little Boys

The first little boy was brought up red.His first football kit was red and he was taken to see Liverpool bring home the FA cup in 1965,his idol was Roger Hunt and he used to go to the Liverpool training ground for autographs.......The second little boy wasn't taken to see Everton bring home the FA cup in 1966 and wasn't bought a blue kit.But the second little boy was taken to see Everton versus Leeds in 1969 by his sisters boyfriend.It was a packet of crisps and a bottle of pop at the Farmers Arms and then down to the Eagle and Child for the charrabang to Goodison Park.It was a glorious summers day in August and the blues won 3-2.On the way home Alan Ball cruised by in his gold Sunbeam Rapier shouting to the fans out of the window.After this there was no going back.My head had been completely turned.Being a turncoat has never been something that you shout from the rooftops on Merseyside,ask Steven Gerrard!...,and there have been a few times since when my faith has been tested.Not least of which was that night in Instanbul when I ended up underneath a pile of rabid celebrating Liverpool fans.It was the last place in the world I wanted to be!!! But I've had some great times down the years following the blues through thin and thinner.It's got to the point where Lady Roby has accused me of loving Everton more than her!!...there was only one answer to that...."Effin Hell,I love Liverpool more than you!"

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

Return to Sender

The little beauty of a medal above is interesting on a number of levels.Transcribed on the obverse is the following." Everton Football Club 1890-1891". Now a little bird once told me that the Liver Bird, so revered by our illustrious neighbours Liverpool FC, used to belong to Everton FC!! At first I liked the idea of it but could not substantiate this unlikely fact.That is until you delve into the history of the aforementioned medal.In 1890-91 Everton won the league title for the first time.Since the previous winners Preston N.E. had nothing to show for their efforts; Everton decided to commemorate this and cast the medal shown.Thereby inventing the league championship medal.One of our many footballing firsts.Look closer into the heart ot the medal and you will see a certain little dicky bird.The Liver Bird no less.Doesn't prove anything.....except that it does,when you realise Liverpool FC were not established until 1892!! How and when it was stolen from us, is still a mystery.However, in this Derby week and in the spirit of reconciliation, I think it's about time this little dicky bird found it's way home to roost.Dont you?

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

Cool For Cats

After a pretty ropey Christmas and New Year due to family problems allied to a car crash just before Christmas; I was beginning to wonder when I was going to get my smile back.Would it be the blues on the way up,or maybe the reds on the way down.Nope neither.The ongoing saga of the car crash has finally borne some fruit.Since liability for the accident was admitted within 24 hours,I felt I had a pretty strong hand.So imagine my dismay when I was offered a Skoda(?) to replace my treasured Audi A6 Quattro.Something didn't add up.So I knocked it back.I was then advised that my choices where limited due to my car being over 6 years old;the best they could do was a Ford Mondeo.Sorry,not havin it! After a few heated discussions my solicitor contacted them with a few home truths.Bingo! A Mercerdes C180K Sport arrived first.Next day, a call asking would I like to swap for a Mercedes S Class.Yes please! Then today, another call telling me that there was a Jaguar XF with my name on it, if I wanted it for the duration.I haven't stopped smiling all day.Even after Liverpool winning.What a beast.I would never have believed a diesel could go so fast or be so damn beautiful.I suppose it's a triumph for doggedness above all else.I think I'll be sleeping with the 'cat' tonight.